something just shifted inside me when i turned 23. i started to feel anxious about my future and the direction i was headed. i'd been feeling a sense of impending doom because i believed i'd wasted so much time not focusing on my long-term goal: creating my clothing brand. i didn't have an internship, wasn't working in my desired field, hadn't made any new work, and was living in a completely different country. i felt hopeless.
little did i know, the feelings i was experiencing are pretty common for people my age. some folks describe this feeling as a quarter-life crisis. and, yeah, i was having a quarter-life crisis.
in june, i moved to salvador, brazil, because i was on the verge of another mental breakdown. before that, i was living in a 450-square-foot one-bedroom apartment in flatbush with my partner. but then, the apartment above us had a busted pipe, and sewage water started leaking from our ceiling into our bathroom. my previous landlord neglected to fix it, so we couldn't use our bathroom for over a month. it was a pressing, urgent matter, but the management company ghosted us.
fast forward, we put our things into storage and ended up leaving our old apartment. fortunately, my job offered to let us stay, but unfortunately, it was going to cost me some of that sweet mental health. my partner and i ended up living at my job for several months, saving up for our next apartment. i didn't expect for new york's housing market to be so trash, we thought we'd be there for about two months, but boy, were we mistaken.
my aunt, my greatest role model (if you're reading this, i love you so much! thank you for putting up with me <3) urged me to come to brazil. i'm not going to lie, i was apprehensive because i was leaving behind a lot. eventually, i said yes and made my way to brazil. it's been three months and some change here and i love it here. i miss nyc, it's the one place that felt like home to me and i can't wait to be back again.
it sounds insane, i know: nyc>brazil?
i have my reasons and i know i will be back in brazil soon,
i've decided to embrace the chaos. i've made many mistakes in my 23 years, and i've been marinating in guilt, shame, and disappointment. i was punishing myself for not being exceptional in life. unconsciously, i was repeating the same negative cycle (hello, trauma). now that i'm aware of my mind's tricks, i've given myself grace. it's easy to overlook grace and get stuck in guilt, shame, and disappointment - maybe because you think you deserve it or grew up in a household that punished you for mistakes. but grace is easy: you're figuring life out as you go, and you're probably self-aware. so, accept accountability and do better next time.
i'm still learning from my experiences and growing so much. i may not be on the direct path i envisioned, but i'm discovering many things about myself and unlearning toxic patterns that no longer serve me.
hopefully, my journey inspires you to cut yourself a huge piece of slack. by giving yourself grace, i hope you're able to free up your mind, making space to create and share.
this is what project [dv8] is about: allowing yourself to veer off-path and embracing the idea that in deviation, you'll get to where you want to be.
[vn]